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Introduction[]

Arthur steps on a stage in a concert hall holding a hammer and wearing no shoes or socks. The audience cheers. He takes a bow.

Arthur: Tonight, I shall play Zukovski's Concerto Number 5.

Man 1: That's the Typhoon concerto.

Man 2: The one that put Rubenstein in a full-body cast?

Man 1: He's mad, I tell you! Mad!

Woman: Ohh!

Arthur sits down at the piano and starts playing with his fingers, a hammer he holds in his mouth and strings attached to his toes. He eventually plays lying on the piano and finishes by doing a flic flac.

Audience: Bravo! Bravo!

The audience cheers and throws roses.

Arthur: Thank you! Thank you! You're too kind. He picks up a rose and hands it to an elderly lady. For you, Mrs. Cardigan - the best piano teacher a boy could ever have!

Mrs. Cardigan: Oh, Arthur, you're wonderful! Just wonderful!

The fantasy ends. Arthur sits in Mrs. Cardigan’s living room and plays Strauss’ “Blue Danube” while Mrs. Cardigan watches.

Mrs. Cardigan: Wonderful, Arthur, you've really got "Blue Danube" down pat!

Arthur: Thanks. Want me to try the left hand now?

Mrs. Cardigan: Uh, no, Arthur. We have to talk about something.

Arthur: I know, I know. It's about "Lightly Row". I promise I'll practice it for next time.

Mrs. Cardigan: I'm afraid there won't be a next time, Arthur. You see, I'm retiring.

Arthur: (gasps)

He looks horrified.

Title Card: Arthur With Umbrella[]

Arthur still looks horrified.

Arthur: You're retiring? Why?

Mrs. Cardigan brings a plate of cookies.

Mrs. Cardigan: Because there are other things I want to do besides teach piano. Cookie?

Arthur takes one.

Arthur: What's gonna happen to me? I'll never get to Carnegie Hall without your help!

Mrs. Cardigan: I wouldn't be so sure about that, Arthur. Your new teacher actually was a concert pianist.

Arthur: New teacher?

Mrs. Cardigan: Yes. I've made some calls, and you are going to be taught by none other than... Dr. Frederick Fugue!

She points at a poster on her wall showing Dr. Fugue.

Arthur: I bet his cookies aren't as good as yours.

***

Binky plays the clarinet beside the jungle gym at school. Arthur is on the jungle gym.

Binky: You are going to be taught by. Dr Frederick Fugue? Boy, some kids get all the breaks!

Arthur: He's that good?

Binky: Good? He's the best! I'd give anything for just one lesson with him, and I don't even play piano! Of course, your fingers might break from all the scales he makes you do. That happened to a friend of mine. Poor Mikey, still can't hold an ice-cream cone. And watch out for the knitting needles!

Arthur: What does he use those for?

Binky: You don't want to know. Just make sure you stay on the beat. Yup, Fugue the Ferocious. You'll either end up famous or drinking through a straw for the rest of your life.

He spins the merry-go-round that Arthur is now standing on and resumes playing his clarinet. Lightning strikes.

***

Mr. Read drops Arthur off at Dr. Fugue’s creepy looking house. Dr. Fugue comes out and offers his hand.

Dr. Fugue: Arthur Read, I presume.

Arthur: That's me.

When Arthur gives Dr. Fugue his hand, he examines it.

Dr. Fugue: Moderate digital spreading, and no calluses. You have been playing for...two-and-a-half years?

Arthur: Y-yes.

Dr. Fugue: Thought so. Follow me. Mr. Read honks his horn, waves, and drives off. C sharp. He should get that tuned.

Dr. Fugue and Arthur go inside the house. A parakeet cheeps.

Dr. Fugue: Presto, Tosca! Presto!

The parakeet cheeps faster. They walk up to a grand piano.

Arthur: What a beautiful piano.

Dr. Fugue sets a metronome in motion.

Dr. Fugue: Her name is Giselle. She's been around the world with me from Vienna to Carnegie Hall.

Arthur: You've actually played at Carnegie Hall?

Dr. Fugue: Yes, many times! Enough chit-chat! Let's hear you play. We'll start with some scales. D major. Arthur plays. C harmonic minor. A minor. D major again. Tempo! Tempo!

The clock goes from 04:10 to 4:55.

Dr. Fugue: ...aaaand stop! That'll do for today. It appears you might actually have some talent. Therefore, I'd like you to work on this for next week's lesson.

Arthur looks inside.

Arthur: Bach's "Two-Part Inventions". But this has like a million notes!

Dr. Fugue: No, it only has 8,955 notes. Let's begin with the Invention in F major.

Arthur: Um...Dr. Fugue, I'm not sure I can...

Dr. Fugue sits down in an armchair.

Dr. Fugue: Remember, Arthur, genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. So practice, practice, practice!

He picks up knitting needles. Arthur quickly leaves.

Arthur: O-okay. No problem. See you next week, Dr. Fugue.

***

Arthur puts the music on the piano at the Read house.

Arthur: 8,955 notes! Mrs. Cardigan would have never given me something so hard! Urgh, just looking at this music makes me tired.

Outside the window, D.W. is playing in the leaves.

D.W: Woo-hoo! Whee! (laughs)

Arthur: I'll do it later. I've got a whole week. He runs outside and jumps into the leaf pile. Woo-hoo!

***

A few days later, Arthur and Francine play with a football in the Reads’ yard. Mrs. Read returns with a shopping bag.

Arthur: I've got it! I've got it!

Mrs. Read: Have you practiced piano yet?

Arthur: I will, Mom, right after this.

***

Arthur watches football in the living room.

Mr. Read: Hey, Arthur, how about practicing a little piano?

Arthur: Sure, Dad, as soon as this game's over.

Arthur makes himself cereal in the kitchen.

Arthur: And then, after the book fair, I'm going to Buster's and help him carve his pumpkin. And then...

Mrs. Read: Your piano lesson is in two days, and you haven't practiced at all.

Arthur: Oh, but...

Mr. Read: No buts! One hour, Arthur.

He puts a timer on the table.

***

Arthur puts the timer beside the piano. He plays a few notes, but keeps hearing animal noises. He walks into the next room, where D.W. is playing whack-a-mole.

Arthur: D.W., what are you doing?!

D.W.: Playing with my Funny Farm. Want to take a whack?

Arthur: No! Could you please play with that in your room? I'm trying to practice piano.

D.W.: Mom's cleaning up there, but I'll turn the sound down.

Arthur starts practicing, but he still hears noises.

D.W.: (laughs) Back in the farm, little piggy!

Arthur goes over to her.

Arthur: D.W., what is it gonna take for you to be quiet?

D.W.: Got any candy?

D.W. sits and noisily eats candy from a pumpkin shaped bowl while Arthur practices.

D.W.: Mmm...peanut brittle!

Arthur: D.W.!

D.W.: What? I'm just chewing.

Arthur walks into the kitchen where his dad is taking cookies out of the oven.

Arthur: Dad, I can't practice. D.W. is making too much noise!

Mr. Read: I'll take care of her. It's important you make a good impression on your new teacher.

Arthur eats a cookie.

Arthur: Whoa! These are good!

Mr. Read carries D.W. to the door.

Mr. Read: Okay, Arthur, we're off to the Tibbles. Now you won't have any distractions.

Arthur: Thanks, Dad.

***

Arthur has an empty plate beside the piano. He puts down an empty glass.

Arthur: (burps) Okay. Invention in F major. Here we go! (yawns)

He resumes practicing. He imagines little sheep jumping over the notes.

Arthur is asleep while Brahms’ Lullaby plays.

Arthur’s timer rings.

Arthur: Oh, practicing's over. That wasn't so bad.

***

Arthur is back at Dr. Fugue’s house. He sees a picture on the wall that shows Dr. Fugue playing with Yo-Yo Ma.

Arthur: Wow, is that you and Yo-Yo Ma?

Dr. Fugue: Indeed. Yo-Yo's a good friend of mine.

Arthur: And who's the guy in the pink suit?

Dr. Fugue: Er... that's Liberace. We had a dueling pianos match when I was working my way through music school. But we digress. Let's hear that Bach. He sets the metronome in motion. Arthur sits down and starts playing badly. Try again!

Arthur: (deep breath)

Arthur tries again. Dr. Fugue stops the metronome.

Dr. Fugue: Did you practice?

Arthur: Yes, I did. I mean...a little... kind of... Oh, not really.

Dr. Fugue: If you don't want to work at this, then I don't want to waste my time teaching you. I'm afraid I have no choice.

He walks off.

Arthur: Oh, the knitting needles!

Dr. Fugue holds the door open.

Dr. Fugue: Goodbye, Arthur, you're fired.

***

Arthur and Buster sit in the Sugar Bowl.

Buster: You were fired by your piano teacher??

Arthur: Yeah, just because I didn't play the piece perfectly!

Buster: I'm sorry to hear that, Arthur.

Arthur: Why? I'm thrilled! It'll be a while before my parents find me a new teacher, so I won't have to practice piano for weeks, maybe months.

Buster: What will you do with all your free time?

Arthur: I don't know. The possibilities are endless!

***

Arthur stands at the living room window and looks outside. It is raining. He turns on the TV which shows a piano concert.

Announcer (on TV): A nearly flawless rendition of the Emperor Concerto by Irina Verkova.

Arthur changes the channel. The Phantom of the Opera is playing the organ.

Christine Daaé (on TV): Oh, Phantom, you are so hideous! Yet you play so beautifully!

Arthur changes the channel. A scene from Casablanca is shown.

Rick Blaine (on TV): Play it, Stan.

Arthur turns off the TV.

Arthur: Oh...!

Mrs. Read: Arthur, I'm going to the mall to buy socks!

Arthur: I'll come!

***

Arthur and his mom stand in the Sock Shop at the mall.

Mrs. Read: I'm also looking for some toddler anklets and some mid-calf argyles in sort of brownish, greyish tones.

Arthur looks bored. He sees Bruno’s Music across the aisle.

Arthur: (gasps) Mom, I'm at the music store.

Arthur sits down at a piano.

Arthur: And now, Arthur Read will play Zukovski's Concerto Number 5.

He plays a note.

Salesman: A-hem...excuse me, son, that's not a toy! He pushes Arthur away and turns to a lady with a small boy. Now, I think this may be an instrument of Antoine's caliber!

Arthur sadly leaves the store while Antoine plays the Invention in F major perfectly.

***

Arthur sits in Mrs. Cardigan’s living room. She serves him cookies.

Mrs. Cardigan: Cookie, dear?

Arthur: No, thanks. Mrs. Cardigan. Do you really think I have any talent?

Mrs. Cardigan: Of course I do! That's why I sent you to Dr. Fugue. How's it going?

Arthur: Um, not so good. I guess Dr. Fugue kind of, er...

Mrs. Cardigan: Fired you? Yes, he does that to a lot of students. He's a brilliant teacher, but a very difficult man.

Arthur: Well, how do I get hired again?

Mrs. Cardigan: You have to earn his respect.

Arthur: Even his bird doesn't sing good enough for him!

Mrs. Cardigan: You don't have to play perfectly, Arthur, you just have to play your best.

***

At home, Arthur practices Bach again. He hears D.W. whacking her funny farm and puts plugs in his ears. His mom brings him a plate of sandwiches.

Arthur practices while Buster and Francine stand at the window gesturing to him. He ignores them.

Arthur plays a part almost correctly, then makes a mistake.

Arthur: (sighs)

He tries again.

***

Arthur walks up to Dr. Fugue’s house, just as Kenny is coming out.

Kenny: Woo-hoo! I've been fired! Yes!

He throws his music sheets in the air and runs off. Dr. Fugue comes out.

Dr. Fugue: Ah, Arthur Read. Dismissed for torturing the Invention in F major. What brings you back?

Arthur: (gulps) If it's okay, Dr. Fugue, I'd like to try to play it again.

Dr. Fugue: Very irregular. All right, I have a few minutes before Soul Train.

Arthur comes in.

***

Arthur plays while Dr. Fugue listens intently.

Arthur: Ah. I must have made at least fifty mistakes.

Dr. Fugue: Actually, you made seventy-eight mistakes.

Arthur: Oh, I'm sorry I wasted your time, Dr. Fugue. I guess no matter how hard I try, I'll never be any good.

He starts to leave.

Dr. Fugue: Well, there is something that might improve your play.

He reaches for the knitting needles.

Arthur: (gasps)

Dr. Fugue: I require that all my students keep their fingers warm. He gives Arthur woolen gloves. All right, enough chitchat. Let's do some scales. D major!


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