Introduction[]
The introduction parodies the opening to the 1960s sitcom “That Girl”. Several scenes show Muffy in a big city while a theme song plays.
Song: “Who is candy canes and Mary Janes? That Miss Muffy! Fresh baguettes and big barrettes, that Miss Muffy! She's dainty lace on a dress. She's frilly… funny… fancy finesse! Who is Valentines and hair that shines? That Miss Muffy! Silver skates and candied dates, That Miss Muffy! She’s peachy icing on a bundt cake! Oh, we love her so, see her now, look out, world! Holy cow! Hold on tight if you thought you were so sweet, because Miss Muffy, that Miss Muffy’s got you beat!
The opening ends with Muffy throwing up her hat and getting splashed with dirty water by a passing bus.
Title Card: Slot Machine: Muffy[]
Francine and Arthur stand at the checkout in the school cafeteria.
Buster: I figured out what happiness is!
Francine: Yeah. What is it?
Buster: Happiness is pizza on a Friday right before a three day weekend.
They walk into the lunch room and sit at a table with Francine, Sue Ellen, and Muffy.
Francine: You can say that again. Three days of tree climbing, soccer, whatever we like! And then when Sunday comes, it feels like Saturday.
Arthur: Easy for you to say. D.W.'s got me down for six games of Tower of Cows, four games of Box of Rocks, and a tournament championship of Virtual Goose.
Sue Ellen: My dad is going to a conference in Crown City and he's taking me with him.
Muffy: Crown City? As in the glamorous and gleaming metropolis Crown City?
Sue Ellen: Yup, that's the one.
Francine holds a water bottle like a microphone and starts singing.
Francine: (sings:) “Crown City you're dynamite, you're peaches and cream.“
Kids: (sing:) “Try your luck there, kid, Crown City! Crown City, one heck of a diamond by the sea!” (laugh)
Sue Ellen: The best part is we're gonna stay with Carla, my old sitter. She's so cool.
Francine: Crown City's great. My dad goes there for his sanitation engineers' convention every year.
Arthur: My mom took us to the museum of science there.
Buster: I was in a pie eating contest at the Mayor's house.
Sue Ellen: How about you, Muffy?
Muffy: Uh, sure. Don't be silly. I've been to Europe and to the Caribbean and to Crown City lots of times.
The school bell rings.
***
The third-graders paint in the art room. Sue Ellen is washing her hands when Muffy joins her with some brushes.
Muffy: (whistles the Crown City song) You know, as I clean these paint brushes I can't help but think of life in Crown City.
Sue Ellen: Yeah? How's that?
Muffy: Well, I imagine there must be tons of galleries there.
Sue Ellen: You imagine. I thought you said you've been to the city lots of times.
Muffy: Well, I have. Just not recently. Yes, it's been so long it just feels like I've never been. Oh, I would just love to return to my beautiful Crown City by the sea.
Sue Ellen: My dad did say I could bring a friend...
Muffy: Fantastic! Oh, we'll have such fun. There's stores, and the restaurants, horse-drawn carriages, and room service, and valet parking, and ginger ale with maraschino cherries...
She dances off.
Sue Ellen: Yes, but... It's not gonna be like that.
Mr. Armstrong and Sue Ellen drive up to the Crosswire Mansion where Muffy stands surrounded by several large bags.
Mr. Armstrong: You did tell her this is only a three-day trip, right?
Sue Ellen: I thought so..
While Mr. Armstrong puts Muffy’s luggage in the car, Muffy hands outs a list saying “Muffy’s Musts: Fancy Dinner, Shopping Spree, Tasteful Cultural Events”.
Muffy: As you can see, I've made a fabulous list for the trip. We'll start with a fancy dinner, next comes a shopping spree, and then on to a tasteful cultural event. Perhaps an art exhibit, or the opera.
Mr. Armstrong looks at Sue Ellen who looks baffled.
***
The car drives along a country road.
Muffy: (sings offkey:) “Crown City! One heck of a diamond by the seaaaaa! Crown City, you're dynamite, you're peaches and cream…”
Sue Ellen looks bored while Mr. Armstrong looks annoyed.
Sue Ellen: Hey, Muffy look, we're heading into the city now!
They cross a big bridge over a river and head into a city of skyscrapers.
They drive past luxurious buildings.
Muffy: Oooh, so high class. Does Carla live in a penthouse?
Mr. Armstrong: Not exactly.
***
The car stops in a slightly run-down part of town next to a fenced-in basketball court. They get out.
Muffy: Was that woman by the fire hydrant selling soap?
A young woman comes out of a building.
Carla: Yes, she was. And she makes a wonderful ginger oatmeal and seaweed bar that's great for exfoliating.
Muffy: Nothing but chamomile and verbena touch my skin.
Carla: You must be Miffy.
They shake hands.
Muffy: It's Muffy...
Carla hugs Mr. Armstrong and Sue Ellen.
Carla: It's so good to see you back in the neighborhood. Is everyone hungry? Shall we go out for dinner?
Muffy: I hear the International Fusion Cuisine in Crown City is magnificent. Perhaps we should try...
Mr. Armstrong: How about that cool little Ethiopian place by the firehouse? What's it called?
Sue Ellen: Addis Ababa. Let's go!
The first article on Muffy’s list is shown: “Fancy Dinner”.
The Armstrongs, Muffy, and Carla sit around a table with a large plate full of various foods. Muffy looks uncomfortable while the others eat by taking pieces of flat bread and using them as spoons.
Muffy: Are you sure they don't have silverware here?
Mr. Armstrong: Nope. Just these. He shows his hands. Isn't it fun?
Muffy: But.. where are the different waiters? There's supposed to be one to sweep up the crumbs, one to unfold the napkins, one to...
A waiter puts more bread on the table. Muffy crosses out the “Fancy Dinner” on her list.
***
Sue Ellen and Muffy brush their teeth in Carla’s bathroom.
Sue Ellen: (spits) Sorry the dinner was a let-down, Muffy.
Muffy: Well, tonight may have been a flop, but tomorrow's going to be glorious.
Muffy imagines being in a large clothes store.
All: (It's Crosswire!)
Shop Assistant: The Muffy Crosswire?
Muffy tries on a 1920s style dress in front of a mirror, then riding clothes, and a '60s style dress.
Cashier: I'm sorry miss, but your credit card company is reporting that...
Muffy: (gasps)
Cashier: You must spend more!
Muffy smiles and winks.
The fantasy ends. Muffy looks dreamily while Sue Ellen pats her back.
Sue Ellen: Don't worry. You're gonna love the shopping we're gonna do tomorrow.
Carla and the girls walk over a street market. A fishmonger throws a fish to an assistant.
Muffy: This wasn't what I... Aah! A fish almost hits her. This wasn't what I had in... Whoa! She ducks another fish. This wasn't what I had in mind! Where are the jewelry cases? And the ladies spraying Persian perfume?
Carla and Sue Ellen select tomatoes.
Carla: I promise we'll stop at a boutique or two. As soon as I find a good ripe turban squash.
***
Muffy looks at jewelry in the Little Lady Dollar Mart.
Muffy: What do you mean nothing costs more than a dollar?! Plastic earrings? Plastic may be alright for the cap on a bottle of diet soda, but on my ears? Honestly!
Sue Ellen: Muffy! I found some squeezable glitter paints for decorating jeans and shirts.
Carla comes with a cowskin beret.
Carla: Ah, Muffy, now this, this is you. It's very chic.
Muffy: Cow is not my color and fake fur is way passé. Hmph!
She crosses out “Shopping Spree” on her list.
Carla: Well, suit yourself.
They leave. Muffy has another look at the beret.
Muffy: Mmm...
She takes it.
***
Carla and the girls stand at a hot dog stand.
Sue Ellen: One foot long, extra sauerkraut, hold the relish.
Muffy looks at the “Tasteful Cultural Event” on her list.
Muffy: So will we be dabbling in high culture tonight?
Carla: A super thick cheesesteak, double the peppers, and burn the onions.
Muffy: Maybe the ballet, or the opera...
Carla: Oh, there's all sorts of art at René's.
Muffy: René's? Ooh, it sounds French.
Sue Ellen: Quick Muffy, what do you want?
Muffy: Uhhh.. Poulet au beurre noir... The vendor gives her a blank look. Hold the beurre noir.
***
Muffy and Sue Ellen are doing their hair in Carla’s apartment.
Muffy: An evening at René's... I imagine René's is where anyone who's anyone goes.
Muffy imagines René’s as a modern art gallery. She looks at a Keith Haring-style painting of herself.
Muffy: Yes, it captures my angst. But this one's my favorite. It's an Andy Warthog's.
She points to an Andy Warhol-style painting of herself.
Andy Warthog: I'm so glad you like it, M.
He hugs her.
Muffy: I do. I really, really do. No offense, Keith.
Keith (an anthropomorphic herring) looks sad.
Andy Warthog shows Muffy a broken cracker on a plate.
Andy Warthog: What do you think of my latest piece?
Muffy: Intriguing. What do you call it?
Andy Warthog: Broken cracker on a plate.
The fantasy ends.
Carla: Girls, are you ready? René's awaits.
***
René’s turns out to be a poorly lit poetry club. A man plays bongos while another man recites a poem.
Poet: So let's take a riboflavin ride on a chartreuse caboose...
Carla and the girls come in. They whisper.
Muffy: What's going on?
Sue Ellen: It's a poetry slam.
Carla: Anyone who wants to gets to make up a poem and everyone here will listen.
Poet: ...a blue hue of voodoo that you do...
Muffy: These people are weirdos! And this trip has been the worst of my entire life!
She crosses out “Tasteful Cultural Event”.
Sue Ellen: Oh look! There's a table.
The girls sit down on an old couch.
Muffy: (gasps) Eww! Gross! Gum! She gets up and sees gum sticking to her skirt. I can't take it any longer! The poet makes a sign and the spotlight focuses on Muffy. Look at my dress. The skirt is ruined! Look at my hair. The ends are split. Where am I? No Ritz, no glitz, no silverware. Big, wet, fish fly past my face! It's all wrong! Crown City, you're not dynamite, you're not peaches and cream, I just wanna go home!
Everybody claps. The poet gives Muffy a thumbs-up.
***
Sue Ellen leads Muffy to the entrance of a subway station.
Muffy: It's tragic! It's wretched! I am undone. (sobs)
As Muffy walks over a grate, her shoe slips off.
Sue Ellen: Muffy, your...
Muffy: No. Leave it. I'll hop. You do realize if I were not so weak, I would absolutely refuse to go down there.
Carla picks up the shoe and follows the girls.
***
Muffy sits on a bench in the subway station. Carla puts Muffy's shoe back on. A jazzy tune is heard. Muffy looks up, and sees that the station is quite classy.
Muffy: This is the subway?
Carla: They're not all like this, but this was the first station ever built.
Sue Ellen: It was completed in 1903.
Muffy: I had no idea.
She looks at the saxophone player who is accompanied by a bass guitar. Carla drops a bill in their hat.
Muffy: They play so well. The saxophonist winks at her. What is that smell?
Sue Ellen: Probably oil and yes, Muffy, garbage too.
Muffy: No, not that. That.
She points at a girl and her mother who just bought fresh pretzels.
Carla: Crown City's famous for its pretzels. The ones with the cheese inside are my favorite.
A train stops. Two girls in ballet clothes come out. One stretches against a lamppost, the other pulls her away.
Muffy: Those ballerinas... they're so....
Carla: In a hurry, apparently.
The train leaves.
Muffy: The train's leaving.
Sue Ellen: Don't worry Muffy. There'll be another one.
Muffy: Oh. She reads the posters on the other side of the platform. C.C.S.O. That must be the Crown City Symphony Orchestra. "Moonlight Lantern Parade, May 25th", that's today! I mean tonight! That's right now!
Carla: So it is.
Muffy: Do you think we could...
Carla: If we catch the next train we can be there in a flash.
Muffy: Excellent. She claps. Oh, and I've got just the right look. She puts on the cowskin beret. Is it me?
Sue Ellen+Carla: Definitely.
Muffy walks towards the pretzel stand.
Muffy: And now I shall buy the fattest, most doughy pretzel Crown City has to offer. With extra cheese of course. Won't you join me?
Sue Ellen and Carla look at each other and smile. They follow Muffy.
***
A while later, Carla and the girls come out of a different subway station.
Muffy: (sings:) “Crown City, you're dynamite, you're peaches and cream! Try your luck there, kid, Crown City!”
They pass a horse-drawn carriage.
Muffy+Sue Ellen+Carla: "Crown City! One heck of a diamond by the seaaa.”
Muffy throws up her beret.